Re-Caption the Shitty Comic: Fred Basset!!!

   That's not funny. If you believe that you can change the words Fred Basset thinks to his friends into something funny, email your corrections to me at mccoy.comedy@yahoo.com, or just tweet them @RealMikeMcCoy. I'll repost the comics with those corrections and include a shout out to the winner!!!! That's right, this is a competition! Go!

Re-caption the Shitty Comic! (Contest Rules)

  Have you ever looked at a newspaper (that's the thing that your grandfather reads while mumbling to himself), flipped to the comics section and said to yourself, "Hey, these Sunday funnies aren't that... funny?" If you have, then this contest is for you!!!! Once a week, I'll post a comic (probably Ziggy, Family Circus, Ziggy, Marmaduke, or Fred Basset. Or Ziggy. Ziggy blows) that ISN'T funny. and you can tweet, email, or facebook message me what you think a funnier caption would be for the awful, awful, waste of trees that are the "Sunday 'Funnies'." If It's funny, I'll post the edited comic with a shout-out to the person who submitted it!! YAY.

Some things that are true...

   I play a good amount of pickup basketball, and that means I always have a lot of explaining to do regarding my skill level (low in terms of shooting, passing, and defense, but high in terms of shit-talking and complaining). You see, the explaining comes from not filling the expectations that come with being among the first 3 people picked when choosing teams. And by "explaining" I mean "angrily and awkwardly blaming someone/something/a supernatural phenomenon for my lack of actual skill."

"How was I supposed to know which basket to shoot the ball in?"

   The point is, the only reason that I'm ever picked first is that I'm a young black teen in INCREDIBLY good shape. Seriously, I'm hot. Girls want me. No need to check Facebook or anything. The point is, being stereotyped sucks. When people believe stereotypes, the situation becomes awkward when the stereotypes turn out to be wrong. That being said, there are a few stereotypes that I have never been able to disprove (unlike the whole "Black people being good at basketball" thing).

Girls LOVE Miniature Versions (of ANYTHING)

    Girls reading this, do me a favor. Picture an object (a cupcake, perhaps. Maybe a pencil. Yeah, let's do a pencil)

This is a pencil.

   Not very cute, ladies, was it?  How about this?

Contain yourself.

   Quick! Get to a mirror so you can see the face you're making! If your vision is obstructed by your own tears, then my point has been proven.

Black People Don't Care About Your Friends

   I know how that title looks, but what I mean is the phrase, "No, it's cool. My best friend/cousin's teacher/grandma's dog sitter is black, so I can say that."

  If you need to try to explain why something you said wasn't offensive, then it SHOULD NOT be said.

Casserole is for White People

 OK, I'll admit, this one is mostly just speculation. But think about it. When was the last time you ever ate casserole? Or made a casserole? or used the word "casserole?" If you can answer any of these questions with anything other than "What the hell is a casserole," then I will bet all the money currently in my pockets that you are white.

Seriously, though... WTF.

Sharing is Erring

  I'm a fan of cancer. My hobbies calling hospitalized children ugly, worshipping Satan, and of course, supporting Joseph Kony's evil.

  At least, that's what my newsfeed on Facebook will tell you.

  Every 4 seconds, another one of my friends shares a post that includes a picture of something so adorable, sad, or interesting. These pictures include instructions: "SHARE IF U WSH CANCER WAS GONE 4EVA!!!!!" or  "HIT LIKE IF YOU WANT EVERY BABY TO BE BORN WITH TWO LEGS AND TWO ARMS!"

  A good amount of these posts are innocent enough ("like if you see the hidden message"), but recently, these posts have become malicious and personally insulting. I've seen way too many pictures that say something like "Share if you love cupcakes, keep scrolling if you're a racist Nazi baby-killer."

Delicious liberty, or an ETERNITY OF HELL. It's your call.

  But the worst kinds of these pictures are the ones that tell a story next to a picture of a sick orphan that ends with something like "Her doctors have agreed to save her life by performing the surgery she needs only if this gets 452 likes! THIS IS NOT A JOKE." well, part of that's true. It's not a joke. That's just a lie.


"Sorry about the whole 'you not making it' thing. Well, at least you'll be popular on the internet. "

  How do you know if the post you're sharing is obnoxious? Well, go by my one rule... When in doubt, close your laptop and throw it in a fire. Or, just STOP SHARING THEM.

Things I Couldn't Care Less About: Your Cat

   I was having a conversation with my "friend" on Facebook chat (Why the quotes? Well, you know that one person who just HAS to be online when you're online and will ALWAYS open up a chat with you? That's who I was talking to) and for some reason, the conversation turned to her cat (The reason is that the conversation ALWAYS turns to her cat.)

   If you are reading this, and you own a cat, take this advice: Don't ever talk about your cat. The only person who wants to hear a story that starts with "My cat is so smart..." is whoever's telling the story., and they already know the story, so it's pointless to continue. By the way, cat's can't be that smart. They're fucking morons. You can torment them for literally HOURS with a laser pointer and they won't realize it's not a real animal. If a cat were smart, it would stand up, and tell its owner, "Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow Mew, meow meow, "  which translates roughly to, "Knock it off. I know it's you, you know."

  But I didn't say all of this to the girl I was chatting with. You may be asking, Why endure this painful discussion for the thousandth time? Well, I wanted to be nice to her. Also, she's hot, and I'd just checked out an unreasonable amount of her spring break pictures, so I felt like I owed it to her. I hate Facebook chat, but I love Facebook.

Darn Teenagers...

  As a college student in Washington, DC, I'm expected to be politically knowledgeable. I used to think that I was. But when one of my professors started talking about the Supreme Court, and listed the Justices, I realized that I, like ALL of my peers, could not name more than a few without studying a textbook or Wikipedia.That fact inspired this list:

THINGS I CAN LIST BETTER THAN THE U.S. SUPREME COURT JUSTICES

• The cast of Jersey Shore
• The Dallas Cowboys' starting roster for each of the past 5 seasons
• The Dallas Cowboys' Cheerleaders
• X-Men
• Avengers
• The Wu-Tang Clan
• Dinosaurs
• Words you can't say on television
• American Idol winners
• American Idol losers
• American Idol judges
• Ben and Jerry's flavors
• Simpsons characters
• Crayola colors

  Makes you feel optimistic for my generation, doesn't it?

   I have a love/hate relationship with many things. Wheelbarrows, for example. It's such a great concept (they help you... um... barrow... things), but most of the ones I've used have just one wheel, which is an excellent way to carry a heavy load 2 or 3 feet before accidentally dumping it out the side.

   That being said, the term "love/hate' most perfectly describes how I feel about the comment section on YouTube. Or news articles. Or ANY website. The comment section is the best place to see humans saying what they really think without getting sideways glances or judgement from their peers. Commenting on the internet just may be the best way to experience free speech. It's hard to express the feeling of satisfaction I get from seeing one of my  thoughts out there on the world wide web for MILLIONS to see. And it's harder to express my extreme depression when faced with the following facts...

"Anonymous"

   Anyone with a username also has an opinion, and the internet grants them freedom to express it. Even stupid people, conspiracy theorists, ignorant pre-teens, and regular old assholes. Look at the comment section of any video on YouTube featuring President Obama. Odds are, you can (too easily) find more than a handful handful of comments that, if said out loud, would get someone fired, sued, or punched in the face. A Justin Bieber video will warrant literally MILLIONS of crude, unedited, homophobic slurs for every 11-year-old girl to read. And users will submit those comments completely confident that they can go back to their actual lives without anyone knowing about their sinister online personas. Those will inevitably lead to sympathetic "Don't listen to the haters. They're just jealous" statements from the people who don't realize that no one will be there to pat them on the back for standing up to cyberbullies but themselves.
   You can be whoever you want when you comment on a website, no matter how vile, politically incorrect, rude, ignorant or annoying. You can be an asshole with no consequences or you can be a saint with no reward. That's OK, though, because the best/worst thing about internet commenting is...

NO ONE CARES.
 
   I've never once watched an interview with Justin Bieber and heard him say, "...Well, the song was really meant for my fans, like SuperCountryGirl97, who stood up for me against haters like DarkClawFTW (both actual YouTube users who commented on that video). That's what really motivates me."
   Actually, I've never watched an interview with Justin Bieber. But I'm sure that wouldn't be a main focus. The point is, the comment section on any website is the best place to see what people really think about something, then realize that you never really wanted to know.